In a lot of respects, I agree with the orientational view of sexuality in both 'who you're attracted to' sense (along with the ten billion ways of describing fluid sexuality or ones that cleave to a more binary definition) as well as the 'what you do when you play with them' sense. There are times when I just crave what I crave and no amount of introspection or armchair psychology can pry loose any reason other than, "I just do."
Still (and you knew there was a but coming, didn't you?), the concept of having a Dominant and Submissive orientation present to me somewhat of a problem.
Right now, D/s is associated with the kink sphere ( it's right there in the BDSM term!), so that is ostensibly where Dominant and Submissive individuals belong. This leads, as far as I can tell, to the conflation of power exchange with sexual requirements (orgasm denial, cock-and-ball torture, etc) and S&M requirements (I need a whip, for sure, and he must be able to take the pain I love dishing out). For power exchange to be recognized as such, there is this stereotype that it needs to be more than a relationship, that it needs little added twiddly bits that launch it from the mundane into the realm of the kinky.
This is why I hate labels. Labels make me feel trapped and angry.
So, if I self-identify as a domme - and believe me, darling, I rather love the term - I subsequently belong to that illustrious and perverted (in a good way) subculture that declares itself the BDSM community. Then, too, the kink community (as if it was some sort of great unified beast and not a sprawling conglomeration of conflicting concepts) is also a refuge for the huge swath of people who do not feel entirely safe (or whole, or accepted) within approved-of society.
But, while I like the little bits of 'extra' that the BDSM community assumes comes with D/s, I feel intensely uncomfortable even among my supposed people. "What have you done?" I am asked curiously, as if I should need to establish my domme cred. Then to come the questions, "What have you tried? What are you interested in trying?" to see if my modest and unassuming kinks align with my questioners'.
My answer is usually a shy stutter and I rail at myself afterward for not responding with more aplomb. L'esprit d'escalier, indeed. If I were to be honest, then I should say, "Well, shit. I have no idea. Most of what I do I never considered kinky." I'm *still* discovering that little episodes in my past that were perfectly normal for me, the kinky sphere lays claim on.
- Normal: Being nicknamed Mistress by my HS best friend through his own volition.
- Normal: Convincing boys (and now men) to wear dresses on a regular basis and using every excuse to do so.
- Normal: Adopting men to be my pets so I can mentor and cultivate them.
- Normal: Demanding that my feral side be acknowledged and bringing it to bed with me.
All fundamentally normal. For me. Couched in BDSM terms, I have been an acknowledged domme since HS, have a fetish for forced feminization and cross-dressing, I instinctively seek out submissive men, and I am a sexual dominant. Even with this, I would never have dreamed of calling any of my actions kinky. I am annoyed that BDSM wants them as if they should be quietly locked away from the rest of my life. The sharp, self-protective delineations of the BDSM community bother me because I was never subjected to them before, and it is as if now that my kinks are deigned 'kinky enough' to join the club, that I can no longer pretend to be one of the Vanilla People.
Nothing I did changed. I'm privileged. I was able to express my so-called fetishes through 'normal' channels and if I was considered weird by most, I was still considered awesome by the people who mattered. I knew that being called Mistress wasn't mainstream after I mentioned it to a couple of girls in my cabin at Bible camp and they appeared baffled. I remember feeling surprised that they couldn't relate and then faintly smug that I was different in a way I vastly preferred.
So I resent being encouraged to 'hide' this aspect of my personality. I'm so bog-boring normal that if I qualify for the super special secret BDSM club, then the whole entire world is kinky and they should just get the hell over themselves and dispense with this stupid dichotomy.
Then I think, "Well, what if Dominant and Submissive are not only orientations, but also basic personality traits?" I cannot deny the empirical evidence of men who crave an intimate touch on the vulnerable parts of their psyche and that it's an intensely emotional and sexual thing. I also cannot deny that some men and women are simply filled with more presence than others, more charisma and that indefinable 'something' that makes people follow their lead.
I feel kind of stupid for postulating something that is probably really obvious to everyone else, that dominance is an orientation *and* trait, and they don't necessarily have to overlap.
But if dominance can be both... can someone be a sexual dominant and have a submissive personality? Does this decoupling even work in real life? Or is it a spectrum? Is assuming the title Dominant at one end of the spectrum and simply having a dominant personality at the other? Is submissive even on the same spectrum or is it part of a complimentary one in 15 dimensions? Is a Dominant more dominant than someone who just has a dominant personality?
I personally think that I, who am pretty much a vanilla as it comes with respect to the bedroom, can absolutely be a domme, because I don't think it depends on trappings and I absolutely do not think I should be relegated to So Utterly Alien I Must Be Stared At. I feel whiny when I say it, but if a guy is dominant and it's not a kink, then when I'm dominant it's ALSO not a kink. It just IS and it's perfectly normal. (Maybe if I keep saying it, someone will believe me.) I like what I like and I resent the BDSM community for claiming my dominance as one of their kinks and I resent Vanilla society for disbelieving my existence and shoving me away.
I am hesitant to take up the role of Dominant in the kink sphere because I would be challenging expectations every step of the way and I already do that simply by living out loud in my normal life. It just seems so utterly exhausting to have to fight every battle twice.
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