Damn Vocabulary.

There are times when I wish English was a more precise language. Vanilla and Femdom don't really fit quite right, but there's really nothing else for me but to use them to modify each other. Part of why they don't quite fit is that I'm trying to modify and tinker with the vocabulary to to make it fit me.

I hadn't discovered labcoatlingerie before, but I'm glad I ran across it. Most especially because of this post: One of the Nineteen. Did you read it? Awesome.

All I have to say is: Yup. Agreed.

So, this concept of being one of 19 'hidden' dominant women - in parity with the many submissive men out there - was what I was referring to in my previous post when I spoke about how I'm not any different than I was before. I've read the idea that dommes are hiding because they just don't know that there's a place to express their dominance in so many permutations that I'd lost track of where I'd first read of it.

The only thing I've done differently in the last handful of years is to 'discover' BDSM. I'm still the same-old-me I always was in the same-old-relationship (now stretching past 10 years) with my same-old-expressions-of-dominance in all spheres. I didn't suddenly get more 'domme-esque', I merely discovered that other people had a name for what I do and what I like.

In that discovery there was some rabbit-hole investigating where I found other things I like, but I didn't suddenly try and shove myself into a domme-shaped box. I hate boxes, I hate restrictive identities, and I hate defining labels. Even saying that makes me feel like Francis from Left 4 Dead who hates everything (except for vests), but seriously people - just because you discover a vocabulary does NOT mean that you suddenly have to change your entire identity makeup to accommodate that vocabulary.

Perhaps I am lucky in that I have a 'fuck you' attitude towards basically everyone with Opinions about my identity, but that doesn't mean I don't want a vocabulary I can use to describe myself. I'm content with fishing around and cobbling it together, but I think it says something big that I'm prefer to keep to the edge of femdom and at the edges of the vocabulary. It says something that I'm still looking.

I didn't find a 'home'. I may be one of the 95% of women who came to realize just what my dominance means in relationships, but I haven't found a place to rest yet with respect to how I describe myself. I'm not going to change, goodness knows I haven't yet, and while my understanding of my identity is in constant flux my identity hasn't budged since forever. Still, in flirting with femdom, I don't actually want to be part of the 'scene' at this moment in time. I do, however, want to represent myself here on the internet, just in case there's someone else like me out there. Others who are dominant, kinky in a vanilla sort of way, and with an absolute love for geekery.